Volunteers are vital to the success of our programs to serve residents. During this past summer, Patrice Balhoff spent her summer vacation with us as a student intern. Upon returning to school she memorialized her recollections of the time spent at Mary's Shelter.

If what you read strikes a cord in your heart, please call. You can make a difference!

C. Patrice Balhoff

Mary's Shelter / Orange County

SSP Reflection

August 24, 1998

Prompted by faith and a sincere determination to help and guide others, a willingness to serve is often unknowingly skewed by the sense of transcendence from a higher plane of moral ground. The mission of service is often warped, and while fueled by the desire to help others, the expectation is that one remains unscathed. In essence, however, the true spirit of service is utterly humbling and one is all at once made vulnerable. "Social ministers must discipline themselves to learn not to do a social action for someone, but only to do it with them!' (Fagan, 17). To give of oneself to others, fully and completely, can be disorienting and frightening, but is all the While exhilarating. Completely unassuming and exposed to the elements, the work of service begins. It is not so much a mission of mercy as it is a quest for understanding and a sincere endeavor to share in another's pain and more fully experience what it is to walk in their shoes. It is just such an experience that the summer service project affords. In an unfamiliar place, far from home and family one is empowered to live and learn in union with others and grow in a deeper understanding of their perspectives and circumstances.

At the beginning of this summer I was excited and ready to embark upon what I felt sure would be a great adventure. I anticipated great things were to come with my service project, and I left home armed with information from the many people eager to share their experiences with me and offer advice. I was all at once made aware of aspects and perspectives surrounding the issue of teen pregnancy that I had never even stopped to consider. All at once I began to realize that this would not only be a profoundly emotional and spiritual experience, but would also afford me a unique learning opportunity. I was forced into an evaluation of my own beliefs and values and a keener sense of where I stood on issues. It quickly became apparent to me that it was not sufficient to sermonize and banter about moral issues according to the established rhetoric, but instead I must evaluate questions for myself and seek out answers that I could substantiate with a willingness to act.

I have always loved working with children and all of my previous volunteer experience had centered around kids, whether at a hospital or domestic violence shelter. I was eager for a new challenge and was intrigued by the prospect of working with unwed mothers. As a young woman myself I often wonder what the future holds for me and look hopefully to the time when one day I might have a family of my own. It is a perfect picture in my mind's eye as I imagine myself in love and just starting out in life; my daydreams are shaped by fairy tails and girlish hopefulness and I envision pregnancy as a time of great joy and celebration. With this expectation for my own fife, it suddenly seemed impossible to understand the complexities and battles of emotions in which these girls must be embroiled. As I anticipated my service project I began to brood over my own misgivings. I would no longer be working with children, but young women perhaps just my age. And yet I certainly didn't think of myself as an adult so maybe that was just it - would be working with children my own age... children having children. It seemed almost a reality all too harsh to confront, different from homelessness and disease and other kinds of suffering that plague the world, but so vivid and painful because it was so personal and close to my own heart. I love children, the idea of having children, and it broke my heart to think about girls faced with pregnancy as a burden, even a curse which was stripping them of their freedom (Journal, 3). I was lost in a quandary of my own thoughts and apprehensions and anxiously awaited my initiation into the project

Initially, many of my fears and trepidations were for myself. I was worried about being accepted and gaining their trust. I was afraid that they might look upon me as someone who has led a privileged life and that I could never understand how they felt or what they might be going through. This, however, was a transient concern and I was reminded of a lesson I learned years ago. My freshman year of high school I worked at a shelter for battered women and their children, all of whom resided there clandestinely from their abusive husbands. I have always had an especially close relationship with my own father and he came with me on my initial tour of the shelter and would come to the door each evening to pick me up. Within my first few days of working I was probed continually by the eager young children about him. I immediately insisted that my father no longer come to the door to pick me up and became unwilling and hesitant to share with them that I had what they didn't and the one thing they probably wanted so very much-, I had a wonderfully loving father and yet I became all at once uncomfortable and ashamed to expose them to what they lacked. It wasn't until just this last year that I realized the terrible disservice I did those children. Instead of sharing with them the blessings I enjoyed in my life and helping them to understand that fathers should be loving, nurturing, and responsible caretakers, I deprived them of an opportunity to learn and grow and to set a higher expectation for the people in their own fives out of my own sense of guilt. I have come to realize that blessings are innumerably multiplied when shared with others.

With many of my fears quickly dissipated, I realized that I had before me the opportunity to be a teacher as well as a friend. The paradox of service comes from the simple fact that it is he who serves who is most rewarded. I learned not only from their experiences, both trials and tribulations, but was enlightened to many realization about myself as well. Far from home and all that was familiar, my introduction and first few weeks at Mary's Shelter were definitely a challenge and yet so very rewarding. I was adopted into the Mary's Shelter family and began my incredible journey.

A residence for pregnant teens, Mary's Shelter as I saw it was never just a temporary safe haven or pregnancy pit stop, but rather a home. It is a place to be cared for and to learn to care for oneself, to discover a fuller sense of self and grow confidently in the fullness of that understanding of self worth. Its goal is not only to teach girls the rudiments of healthy living and survival, but rather to equip them to thrive. In so doing, the fruits of service come to fruition; instilled and empowered to grow and develop as talented and gifted individuals, girls become young women. I found myself daily inspired by the tenacity, passion, and spirit of the many individuals who work so hard to bring the vision of Mary's Shelter to fruition. I was privileged and honored to have shared in that vision and in the very important service that Mary's Shelter provides.

The ministry of Mary's Shelter embodies the very essence of the call to a respect for life. The girls of Mary's Shelter are both courageous and loving in their conviction to carry their babies to term and responsibly care for themselves during pregnancy. The shelter provides them with the greatest of opportunities, to live in an environment of structure and high expectations, to educate themselves and enable them to be empowered by knowledge and understanding, and learn to live responsibly. For many it seems that sex filled a void in their fife or need for affection and love, and often it may seem that a baby may similarly provide a source of unconditional love and companionship. It becomes vital, however, to impress upon them the reality of parenting and the unnegotiable commitment that it entails. I similarly sought to consider the ramifications of teen pregnancy.

One singular episode seems to best embody the true essence of my experiences at Mary's Shelter. One afternoon one of the girls casually asked me to read aloud from Grimm's Fairytales. It seemed all at once an unusual but simple enough request. Before I knew it I had a captive audience all around me, listening intensely to every word I spoke. For nearly two hours I read, and while some drifted off to sleep others continued to eagerly listen, eyes wide. They all seemed enchanted and I suddenly wasn't sure if it was the stories or simply the rare gesture of a story time that was so intriguing to them (Journal, 5 1). It was one of the most compelling experiences for me because on many levels it summed up much of what I had been so heavily weighing in my own mind; these were young women in limbo between the world of adults and that of children.

From one vantage point it was an oddly disturbing incident as young girls, about to be mothers, were enthralled by a recitation of fairy stories. But in other ways, it was a perfectly simple and delighted moment, perhaps a gesture of nurturing and simple pleasure that they had never before enjoyed. I realized in that moment what an important opportunity their brief interlude at Mary's Shelter must provide them.

While often emotionally stirring and at times even overwhelming, my experience was most essentially a spiritual awakening. It was this dimension of the service project that was most powerful for me. The aura of Notre Dame and the special presence of Our Lady in my own life became all the more meaningful and sustaining through the course of this summer. I could not help but think how very poignant and important the ministry of Mary's Shelter must be to Our Mother. I feel certain that She must harbor a special place in her heart for the intentions of these young girls, and as a mother herself fully understand both the jubilations and fears so intricately intertwined. It is in Mary that we find the most perfect model for motherhood as she endured both an immeasurable depth of faith as well as an undying love throughout the greatest agony of loss, sacrifice, and suffering. I am confident in the knowledge that Our Lady is always with me, to guide and protect, and I know that the intentions of Mary's Shelter will never go unanswered.

In the poignancy of such a profound spirituality impendent at the heart of service, one of the most important lessons of my service project was the very real understanding that I have been truly blessed in my fife. I have spent my fife surrounded by people who love me and who have made immeasureable sacrifices for me. The greatest gift ever given to me was the poignant gesture of love, and in being loved I learned to love others. My life in its own way has been filled with trials and tribulations, frustrations and obstacles, but I have never been without someone to care for me and walk beside me. I have never known hunger, want, or need, and even in my darkest hour I never failed to find an outstretched hand to cling to. So many people have extended their friendship, guidance, and trust to me and I am continually made aware that each person I met is truly a gift to me, and for this I have been made truly thankful.

The summer service project provides the opportunity for a myriad of thought provoking and stirring experiences. One is consumed by the desire to serve, to make a difference, and to heal. Ultimately, however, it is humbling. This humility is nonetheless coupled with an exhilaration that comes from serving others; "through compassion our humanity grows to its fullness"(Nouwen, McNeill, Morrison, 7). The most dangerous temptation of service is over zealousness; consumed with an impassioned 'save the world' mentality one quickly falls head long into a mire plagued by frustration and obstacles. The hazard lies in the "'savior complexes," which delude us into thinking that we have more power to 'save' the troubled, or the lost, or the suffering than we actually do. This attitude, in turn, becomes a kind of egotism, a sort of insidious, tricky pride" (Heidish, 128). There is an inclination to want to set things right, or at least right according to one's own view. The inherent fault in this, however, is that the true challenge of service is not simply an opportunity to fix and make attractive what was once unsightly, but rather it is to join in a communion of hearts with others, to share in their suffering, and in so doing lighten their burden and lessen their load. Service is not an isolated act, but instead evolves around the building of relationships and communities and a willingness to selflessly give of oneself.

Experience has taught me to delight in moments--- the fleeting but brilliant smile, the sudden sparkle in a blank expression, or the single tear that says, 'thanks for being here and listening,' even if you never hear the words. These are the memories that I carry with me and make my experiences all worthwhile. I often think of people in my fife who have inspired me and I realize more and more that I have been unmistakably shaped by a plethora of lasting impressions. It is this belief that gives me stead as I hopefully anticipate that maybe one day something I said or did might be meaningful to someone else. The thought that one might unknowingly inspire someone is an absolutely amazing prospect.

We are called to serve God and be Christ to one another; that is our life's mission and our purpose. I realize that I am ultimately powerless against the many injustices of the world, and that in and of itself is a very humbling realization, maybe even discouraging. "To live and work and serve God ... in the tangle of our minds demands infinite patience with ourselves and each other" (Himes, 60). But with this realization comes the answer as well; simply, that I am called to be a vehicle for Christ. I am merely a vessel and through me His good works and healing ministry can be done. I pray that I be blessed with the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and that God guide me in doing His good works (Journal, 29). This summer was truly an incredible experience and taught me both about myself and tested the sincerity of my own convictions and faith, and further challenged me to answer God's call to service. I was awe inspired by the unfolding of God's plan all around me, and was truly transformed by the many lessons learned and the profundity of the commonality of humanity; across the barriers of race, creed, and language there is a shared and universal expression of emotion and need united under the banner of life and love. So much of our lives are guarded by inhibitions and a reluctance to expose oneself to getting hurt. A commitment to love and serve, however, affords the greatest opportunity to receive back that offering ten fold. My experiences of Mary's Shelter will forever remain in my heart and mind and I am continually reminded both of the many things that my experiences taught me and the many people I was so lucky to have met. Mary's Shelter will forever remain in my thoughts and continual prayers, both in thanksgiving for the many gifts and talents of its constituents as well as in hopefulness that it may thrive and grow in all its future endeavors.

Works Cited

  • Fagan, Harry. Empowerment Paulist Press, 1979.
  • Heidish, Marcy. Who Cares Notre Dame, IN: Ave Mafia Press, 1997.
  • Himes Michael. Doing the Truth in Love. New York: Paulist Press, 1995.
  • Nouwen Henn, McNeill, Morrison. Compassion New York: Image Books Doubleday, 1982.



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